I shoot with my mind, I kill with my heart

I’m just staring here. Gazing at the screen, having a drink (which is not even alcoholic) whilst repeatedly listening to the soothing voice of Eva Cassidy singing Fields of Gold. Pensive in reminiscing the existence of everything and everyone and of life.

I have always been vulnerable with people and situations and relationships but always there’s irony involved. I easily breakdown, but I can never be broken. I’m practically dense about anything and everything. I am the type that I’ll take whatever because think.. I know.. I can. I don’t claim to be heartless and emotionless. I just don’t let things bother me. I try not to. It’s as if I have an invisible shield that quells pain and sorrow. I have the grit. I’m no ‘Super Skye’..but I can carry the burden. I can absorb somebody else’s fragility. I would not however fight somebody’s battle with demons ..Just because I don’t intrude. You don’t give advice to someone unless they ask for it. You don’t force anything unless you have to. You need to.

I’ve been longing…but I have carried on. I’ve been wanting. But I’m always just standing far apart looking in, hardly part of somebody else’s equation. That is fine. That’s how it is.

I took it upon myself to look after myself. Who would, anyway? It would be nice to lean back and relax and let somebody else care but..fuck that thought. Pretty woman I’m not. I know I can get by with my charm but I also know I have a lot up here in my brain.

Anyway, one often reasons with the mind but it’s always the heart the dictates how to go about carrying the life.

Got headache. Gruff stuff coming out of my mind. At least the song soothes me.

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