‘Brutal’

Having my bloody visitor and cramps. It not pleasant. Lucky the men, they have no idea how shitty it is. No wonder I was feeling depressed yesterday. PMS (among other things) does that to me sometimes.

I wonder if I’m really that transparent. I guess, I wear my heart on my sleeves. I know I am devoid of feelings. I try to be. Whatever I say, and the actions I’m doing. If not, I know that I will suffer because it’s always one sided thing. There is somehow least chance of reciprocity. I dunno, really. I’m not sure. Maybe I shouldn’t assume but, it’s a known fact.

Perhaps the lack of Love, male figure, and the physical intimate consensual entwining could be the reason why I’m so transparent in ways. Fuck. Most of the men that I’m friends with are either married or they’re married. Ha ha. No, I mean… they’re involved – either there’s a ring on their finger or they have somebody i already. It’s damn weird, cos I always seemed to attract married men even when I’m being shitty and and annoying,  they’re still there (and I like it..actually). Maybe I’m too fucking affectionate or sweet and kind and charming? Gullible? I dunno. I can’t help it. But sometimes it makes me look so damn two bit cheap ass desperate girl. The problem is I cling a lot. It’s bad, I know but…I’m afraid that I would lose somebody. Anybody. It’s hard. I try not to overstep the boundaries.

I miss having to smile and laugh and be sweet with a man. Somebody to snuggle with and relax and have fun and be fucking intimate and annoying still be loved. I have so much inside to give. So much sweetness. So much intimacy of my carnal insides. But the love, it’s damn full. I’m holding on to it because… because everybody’s damn fucking married or involved and I’m just a damn girl. A nothing. Like I exist but.. I really don’t.

For now, only apathy exists.

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